Follow by Email

July 3, 2018

thanks, alcohol

I have been going through a hard time lately. And unfortunately, I feel like I have made that very obvious and that makes me feel really ashamed. Which sucks. A LOT.

I just have not been able to keep the crazy in as well this time around. It's like when you try to keep it in, the more it just explodes and starts seeping out. And it sucks that we are made to feel like we have to hide how we feel or else we are categorized as crazy. 

It sucks that I did not express it soon enough or in the most healthy of ways and it kind of exploded in an inappropriate way. [ aka, drunk texting my ex ] I know, I know, typical crazy drunk white girl. Now I feel not only ashamed that I'm feeling so depressed and so anxious and angry. Now I'm ashamed as to how I handled my emotions and let them explode all over. Thanks, alcohol. 

To be honest though, I feel crazy. I feel like I'm not normal. All of those feelings make me feel like this is the reason why I'm single. This is the reason why I can't seem to hold onto a relationship. I am an actual crazy person. I'm either too quiet and reserved or I say things that piss people off or rub them the wrong way. I have no in between. I'm also insanely emotional. I care so deeply and let quotes and lyrics and movies and words effect me in such a deep emotional way. Like, that can't be normal. 

If it's not obvious yet, I have a huge problem with over worrying about every.tiny.little.thing! It takes work for me to get out of my own head and just enjoy the moments life has to offer. So I decided to get out of the house [by forcing myself] and go on a hike. I was able to get out of my head a bit and be reminded that whatever happens in life, happens for a reason regardless if i know what that reason is. Because I over-analyze every minute detail, not being able to understand WHY something has or is happening, eats me alive. So while staring out at the gorgeous mountains, I decided to make a conscious daily effort to focus on enjoying the moments. Just enjoy where I am right now and let God lead me on his path and not wonder why or how and what or WHEN. 

While I definitely don't suggest going on two Bumble dates in one evening, getting drunk, bawling your eyes out, and texting your ex...I did come away from the weekend and the experience feeling a little lighter. I mean there was definitely a full 24- 36 hours where I felt ashamed, disappointed, devastated, depressed, anxious, hungover, angry [insert all other negative things one can feel about themselves because that's what I felt]. But then I forced myself to get out of the house, go on a hike, and get some Vitamin D. Like the real Vitamin D, since I'm single and basically celibate at this point. It made me feel refreshed and helped me put things in perspective. It was almost like a reset on my priorities. 

Okay, so WAY easier said than done. I do feel a little bit lighter, but I am still getting random bouts of anxiety and unfortunately, that will just take time. When I feel anxious, it's a lot of work, but I have to force myself out of that mindset before it literally controls my whole body and my whole day.  

In addition to reminding myself constantly to enjoy the moments [since that takes practice and is not all of a sudden a miracle cure], I am also able to realize that consuming excess alcohol while in emotional turmoil is probably not the best idea. So I am setting a hard limit for myself. No more drinking during the week. I am also limiting my alcohol intake to two drinks per outing on the weekend. Also, no more serious dating because it just makes me sad every time a date doesn't work out and I haven't found "the one." Lastly, I'm going to get back into therapy. Sometimes you just need to talk it out with someone who does not know you. 

I want to enjoy life. I want to stop waiting around to enjoy life until I have found my person. I want to enjoy it right now even if I'm not sure where God is taking me. I trust he knows what he's doing, so I'll just let him lead this time. 

ps. please reach out if you ever need someone to talk to. if you're going through a hard time, i don't care who you are, i always want people to feel like they can have an outlet or they have someone who will listen. 



June 17, 2018

Social Media: It's not me, it's you.

I'm not even exaggerating. Taking a break from social media is really, really HARD.

I deleted my Instagram app, Facebook app, twitter app, snapchat, google+ and google hangout app from my phone today.

I've noticed my anxiety has been at an all time high lately. I feel like my emotions are being triggered by the tiniest of things: songs, memes, pictures, comments etc. I'm constantly having to try and hold back tears. I know there is some correlation, but how much? I'm unsure. All I know is that I feel like I'm spiraling emotionally and so I had to do something.

Okay, so I wouldn't say I have gone cold turkey because I've literally already checked my Instagram 5 times from their website version since 6pm today. This does limit what you can see and the ease of everything. Also, you have zero access to any sort of messaging, which is probably good for me. I keep opening my phone to check my Instagram and then remember that i deleted it and have zero reason to be on my phone at that then I put it down.

This habit is going to be hard to break.

Instagram, I've let it control my life. Everything is so thought out. The time of the posts, the captions, the messages, and of course the stories and added stickers to go along with it. It has also somehow taken over as a main source of communication for me. My friends message me on there, potential dates, connections, businesses etc. So now that I don't have Instagram, there are legitimately a handful of people who message me almost daily, but don't even have my actual cell phone number. Simply because they have never asked. That's how much we rely on this app. They don't even feel a need or desire to have my physical number because I can be easily accessed through Instagram. At what point did we get here?

I knew this would be hard, and well, if you're avoiding doing something just because it's going to be hard to do, then it probably means you need to do it.

Facebook on the other hand has already become almost completely obsolete already. I have moved my Facebook app previously to the back and not the main page of my apps pages. I'm also almost always logged out of Facebook completely so that I don't receive notifications. So deleting the app really wasn't a huge step for me.

Snapchat was a piece of cake as well. I don't even enjoy getting snaps from anyone anymore. If you send me a snap, i won't watch it for daaaaayyyysss. So why did I still have it? Just in case...just in case for what, I have zero fucking clue, but just in case.

I don't have a set time frame of when I'll download Instagram or any of the other apps again. I already have the itch. BAD. I'm dying to see if anyone has messaged me. But I told myself I was going to hold out for at least a week. Instead, when I'm bored, I am going to try and replace my need to sit and veg. out on instagram stories, cute baby pics, funny puppy videos and relatable memes, and be productive.

wish me luck. i'm definitely going to need it.



October 2, 2017

vegas is all of us

[ Pray for Vegas. Pray for all of us. ]

This isn't the first mass shooting, and as awful as it sounds, this won't be the last. This is just the first time it's been so close to home and close to the heart.

Every single person I know has been to Vegas. I, personally, have been there so many times from when I was a kid to now for so many different events, celebrations, and vacations. Vegas is the traditional place to celebrate your 21st birthday or your last days as a single man or woman. Vegas is the home of many major sporting events. Vegas is the place you go to have fun, a quick weekend getaway from your kids, a place to let loose and make some bad decisions. Vegas is all of us.

On Friday evening I was out to dinner with a friend and we were talking about how we wish we had gone to Route 91. We briefly contemplated making a spontaneous trip there. My son was at his Dad's and I was a free mama this past weekend! I could have just driven to Vegas in 3 hours and been back no problem. On Sunday afternoon I was talking to my sister in law and we were discussing how much we love going to Vegas and the last time we were there together. I told her if I ever get married, you make sure we go to Vegas for my bachelorette party. This was just a few hours before the shooting.

It upsets me so much thinking about all the college kids who were probably there. They're in college just going out to have fun and enjoy some country music, have some beer, and dance. They're not supposed to have to worry about this. Their families are not supposed to have to worry about THIS. As a mom, it's just like let's add another thing to the list of worries I have when it comes to my child. I worry about him breaking his arm on the play ground. I worry about him being kidnapped because he has zero fear of strangers. I worry about him turning into an asshole when he gets older. I worry about his health. Now I have to worry about him being shot by some maniac when he's out with his friends?

I cannot get over this. I can't move past it yet. I have messaged everyone I could think of who was there, who lives there, who could have possibly been there based on them being there in the past or loving country music. I don't care who you are, I want you to be able to go home safe. I have messaged my friends who frequent Vegas often. We live in SoCal, so a trip to Vegas is like nothing to most of us. I have messaged those who I care about and just let them know. I feel compelled to make sure that regardless of how trivial you may think it is,  regardless if you don't want to know or care to know, I want you to know I love you and I'm glad you're in my life.

I thank God that those who are closest to me are safe. But my heart hurts so bad for those who are hurt, those who didn't make it, and those who are still missing.

Now I am determined to turn the focus from fear, from sadness, to gratefulness. I am so grateful to all first responders. They have to run into the line of fire to protect you so that you may run away from it. Thank an EMT, a police officer, a fire fighter, anyone who puts their life on the line to try and protect you, your family, your friends.

I will not live in fear, but I may think twice the next time I start planning a trip to Vegas.



July 21, 2017

i am every mom...'s all in meeee. I know you now have that Whitney Houston song stuck in your head. You're welcome.

I don't know if you guys have noticed lately, but there are a couple articles out there trying to figure out what kind of mom you are. [Sarcasm] There are literally tons of articles and quizzes and wars on Facebook trying to figure this shit out. There are even teen magazines where kids are talking about what kind of mom they had. "I had a Tiger Mom." "Well my mom was a Crunchy Mom."  What in the actual fuck? Why does any of this matter? I just want to be a cool mom...

... just kidding


I'm sure by now you have all seen that meme that says "I'm not a such and such mom...I'm just trying not to raise assholes." It's SO true. I mean in the end we are all trying to just mom. On the flip side though, my kid is an asshole. He's an asshole to me on a daily basis. I'm sure he's also an asshole sometimes to his friends and teachers. So we won't know for sure if he's a true asshole until he grows up. In the mean time I'm honestly just pretty tired of seeing that meme. #sorrynotsorry

Every time I saw that meme, I would just think, you're right, I'm not just ONE of those types of Mom's. I am ALL of them at any given point throughout the day...week...month.

So, I decided to create my own version of that meme....

I am a Tiger Mom when I feel my child needs that structured guidance. He thrives off of a schedule and when we stray from it, shit hits the fan. As in he throws huge tantrums because he doesn't not do well with change. He needs structure in order to get dressed in the morning, brush his teeth, eat, school, get homework done, take a bath [and actually clean himself], and get to bed.

I'm a Free-Range Mom when I'm tired of being structured. Because let's be honest, it's completely exhausting to remind your kid 1,000 times to brush his teeth all before 8am. I'm more relaxed when summer hits and we don't have a million things we HAVE to do. Also, when I can tell we are getting burned out on a strict schedule everyday, I'll say fuck it, and we'll go get dessert before dinner. I'll let my kid play on the iPad for 5 hours on a Saturday we don't have any birthday parties, family functions, errands, or other chores we need to get done.

I'm a Helicopter Mom when we are at the park and I want to make sure my child isn't being an asshole to yours. Or there is a 1-3 year old and I want to make sure my bull-in-a-china shop child doesn't accidentally knock your kid over and pays attention to his surroundings.
I'm also a Helicopter parent when I sense danger. I don't really want my kid to be kidnapped, murdered, or have to take him to the Emergency Room. I'm also paranoid AF and I won't apologize for that. Just watch the news for like 5 minutes, join a police activity group in your neighborhood, or log into Facebook and see your feed clogged with articles of missing and hurt children. There's so much out there I can't control, so I will try to control as much as I can for as long as I can.

My Crunchy Mom comes out when I feel my child is consuming too much junk food and chemicals. Today I feel like buying organic fruit and my wallet can afford it. Tomorrow, I'm broke and those Annie's fruit snacks is just out of our price range for lunches this week. Some days I clean with bleach and some days it's all about those essential oils. Saturdays are for soda, but 9 times out of 10 I won't let my kid have candy. Does any of that make sense? Absolutely not.

Fuck yeah, I'm a Soccer Mom. I've got my Mazda CX-5 that brings me so much joy! It fits the ice chest, the folding chairs, the soccer balls, stinky socks, and the crazy ass dog all at once. Oh yeah, and I guess the soccer player too. We bust our ass to get to soccer practice after work once a week and wake up early to get to the games on the weekends. Then once Soccer season is over, 3 months later, I rejoice that I no longer have to be a Soccer mom. At least for a couple months until it starts all over again.


The point is, it really is all about balance. I am not just one of these types of mom's. I am ALL of these Moms. Sometimes all in one day.

All through my teen years and my young adult years [aka, now], I've had a hard time figuring out what type of person I was. Then you pop out a kid and now all of a sudden you also have to determine what type of mom you are? No thank you.

It's taken about 29 years, but I've finally figured out that I don't need to define myself by any one category. I can be all of them at any time I want. Sometimes I like to dress punk. Sometimes I dress really girly. Sometimes I contour my face and sometimes I wear only mascara. Sometimes I listen to Country 24/7 and Sometimes I blast Sublime.

Why do I have to be any one thing at all times? Let me be me and let me change what and who I want to be when I want. That includes how I want to mother.

rant over.



March 18, 2017

Champagne is for every night of the week...

So I saw this little blurb of an image on Instagram the other day while I was doing my usual aimless scrolling. It was on a fairly famous or well known individual who has 65,000 followers. I don't think this is even the first time that I've seen it, but I'm going to tell you why I kind of hate it.

I first started reading it and I was like "yeah, girl! you tell 'em." I saved the photo before I even finished reading the sentence, to be honest, because I'm impatient and impulsive like that. Then I read the "never settle for less than 6 inches" and I totally thought it was talking about your high heel inches. Then I was like "Nah, girl, you crazy." And theeen 5 seconds later, I got it...yeah, I'm a bit slow sometimes, I'll admit it.

At that point I read it again and thought to myself how dumb this sentence really is. And I wonder how many young girls see this and live by this because someone famous posted it. Let's be realistic, that's the world we live in these days.

Let's break it down into sections and go over my distaste almost for each part.

"Don't let dumb boys make you cry"
While, I do agree there are a lot of dumb boys out there making girls cry, it does not always mean they are bad people. Boys are dumb and they definitely don't understand women. Women don't even understand women though, so you can't blame them too much. 
[Side note: If you're in a bad relationship, then get the hell out because there are a ton of other men (or women) out there for you. Just go and don't look back.]
However, with that being said, on the other hand, my boyfriend has made me cry numerous times in the past 5 years, but that doesn't make him a horrible person. Also to his defense, I cry just all the time in general. I cry when I'm mad. I cry when I'm sad. I cry when I'm happy. Whose to say it was him that made me cry or just PMS or just me crying because I don't know how not to cry anymore apparently. 
I'm just afraid that we tell young girls so often, don't worry just leave your boyfriend/husband and go get a new one. Instead of teaching them how to communicate better, how to work things out, how to try harder before giving up. 

"Don't work shit jobs"

I'm sorry, but I think you do have to work shit jobs. Isn't it a rite of passage that you have to work at least 10 shit jobs before you find that amazing one that boosts your career and drives your passion? Okay, maybe 10 jobs is extreme, but also not really 
At 16 years old when I got my first job at a froyo shop making like $7.00 an hour, I didn't think it was an amazing job. I didn't even want to have a job, but I didn't actually have a choice because my mom made me. Honestly, I never second guessed it. I was grateful to get a job. 
Then from there I went onto a shit retail job where my manager was a biiiiitch. Then after that I worked in a calling center where I worked shit hours from 3am - 12pm. Then I worked in an office literally just scanning paper. Next, I worked at an accounting firm that at the time I thought was awful, but now I look back and it taught me a lot about work and office etiquette and how to handle all types of business situations.
Throughout each [shit] job, I learned more and more about how to handle myself and work with others professionally which has lead me to the career I'm in now. [ No, I'm not talking about blogging. I actually have a full time career ] 
Don't get me wrong, like with the boyfriend thing, there are exceptions. If your boss is doing illegal things or sexually harassing you, then don't stand for that shit and walk out [find a new job first]
However, if your boss is a jerk, it's still all a good learning experience. I've never had a boss that was just absolutely perfect. Each one that I have had, there has been at least a day or two or twenty that I have gone home and had to drink a couple extra glasses of prosecco because they realllly pissed me off that day. That's just life though. It doesn't make it a shit job. 

"Wine Champagne is for every night of the week"

There was only a tiny little problem with this portion of the sentence. I made it better. I can wholeheartedly say I agree with it 100% now. 

"Never settle for less than 6 inches"

Okay, kids, don't be like me and think this is about your high heels. You should definitely settle for less than a 6 inch heel. Flats are also amazing. Embrace your true height. 
When it comes to the size of a dude's dick, I'm all about the phrase "bigger is better." BUT, it's really about the whole package. Like not his actual package, but like him and his personality and how he treats you. You have to find your lobster, regardless of how many inches he's hiding in his pants. 

I just want girls to realize, life isn't perfect; it's hard work. You're not going get the perfect guy and the perfect job and it remains perfect and effortless forever [dreeeaaaam weaver]. Life will always be hard work. Relationships and dream jobs require passion, sweat, and lots of tears. They are forever evolving so that means you're forever having to work at them.

rant over.