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July 21, 2017

i am every mom...

...it's all in meeee. I know you now have that Whitney Houston song stuck in your head. You're welcome.

I don't know if you guys have noticed lately, but there are a couple articles out there trying to figure out what kind of mom you are. [Sarcasm] There are literally tons of articles and quizzes and wars on Facebook trying to figure this shit out. There are even teen magazines where kids are talking about what kind of mom they had. "I had a Tiger Mom." "Well my mom was a Crunchy Mom."  What in the actual fuck? Why does any of this matter? I just want to be a cool mom...

... just kidding

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I'm sure by now you have all seen that meme that says "I'm not a such and such mom...I'm just trying not to raise assholes." It's SO true. I mean in the end we are all trying to just mom. On the flip side though, my kid is an asshole. He's an asshole to me on a daily basis. I'm sure he's also an asshole sometimes to his friends and teachers. So we won't know for sure if he's a true asshole until he grows up. In the mean time I'm honestly just pretty tired of seeing that meme. #sorrynotsorry

Every time I saw that meme, I would just think, you're right, I'm not just ONE of those types of Mom's. I am ALL of them at any given point throughout the day...week...month.

So, I decided to create my own version of that meme....

I am a Tiger Mom when I feel my child needs that structured guidance. He thrives off of a schedule and when we stray from it, shit hits the fan. As in he throws huge tantrums because he doesn't not do well with change. He needs structure in order to get dressed in the morning, brush his teeth, eat, school, get homework done, take a bath [and actually clean himself], and get to bed.

I'm a Free-Range Mom when I'm tired of being structured. Because let's be honest, it's completely exhausting to remind your kid 1,000 times to brush his teeth all before 8am. I'm more relaxed when summer hits and we don't have a million things we HAVE to do. Also, when I can tell we are getting burned out on a strict schedule everyday, I'll say fuck it, and we'll go get dessert before dinner. I'll let my kid play on the iPad for 5 hours on a Saturday we don't have any birthday parties, family functions, errands, or other chores we need to get done.

I'm a Helicopter Mom when we are at the park and I want to make sure my child isn't being an asshole to yours. Or there is a 1-3 year old and I want to make sure my bull-in-a-china shop child doesn't accidentally knock your kid over and pays attention to his surroundings.
I'm also a Helicopter parent when I sense danger. I don't really want my kid to be kidnapped, murdered, or have to take him to the Emergency Room. I'm also paranoid AF and I won't apologize for that. Just watch the news for like 5 minutes, join a police activity group in your neighborhood, or log into Facebook and see your feed clogged with articles of missing and hurt children. There's so much out there I can't control, so I will try to control as much as I can for as long as I can.

My Crunchy Mom comes out when I feel my child is consuming too much junk food and chemicals. Today I feel like buying organic fruit and my wallet can afford it. Tomorrow, I'm broke and those Annie's fruit snacks is just out of our price range for lunches this week. Some days I clean with bleach and some days it's all about those essential oils. Saturdays are for soda, but 9 times out of 10 I won't let my kid have candy. Does any of that make sense? Absolutely not.

Fuck yeah, I'm a Soccer Mom. I've got my Mazda CX-5 that brings me so much joy! It fits the ice chest, the folding chairs, the soccer balls, stinky socks, and the crazy ass dog all at once. Oh yeah, and I guess the soccer player too. We bust our ass to get to soccer practice after work once a week and wake up early to get to the games on the weekends. Then once Soccer season is over, 3 months later, I rejoice that I no longer have to be a Soccer mom. At least for a couple months until it starts all over again.

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The point is, it really is all about balance. I am not just one of these types of mom's. I am ALL of these Moms. Sometimes all in one day.

All through my teen years and my young adult years [aka, now], I've had a hard time figuring out what type of person I was. Then you pop out a kid and now all of a sudden you also have to determine what type of mom you are? No thank you.

It's taken about 29 years, but I've finally figured out that I don't need to define myself by any one category. I can be all of them at any time I want. Sometimes I like to dress punk. Sometimes I dress really girly. Sometimes I contour my face and sometimes I wear only mascara. Sometimes I listen to Country 24/7 and Sometimes I blast Sublime.

Why do I have to be any one thing at all times? Let me be me and let me change what and who I want to be when I want. That includes how I want to mother.

rant over.

xx,

#HOTMESSMOM

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