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July 3, 2018

thanks, alcohol

I have been going through a hard time lately. And unfortunately, I feel like I have made that very obvious and that makes me feel really ashamed. Which sucks. A LOT.

I just have not been able to keep the crazy in as well this time around. It's like when you try to keep it in, the more it just explodes and starts seeping out. And it sucks that we are made to feel like we have to hide how we feel or else we are categorized as crazy. 

It sucks that I did not express it soon enough or in the most healthy of ways and it kind of exploded in an inappropriate way. [ aka, drunk texting my ex ] I know, I know, typical crazy drunk white girl. Now I feel not only ashamed that I'm feeling so depressed and so anxious and angry. Now I'm ashamed as to how I handled my emotions and let them explode all over. Thanks, alcohol. 

To be honest though, I feel crazy. I feel like I'm not normal. All of those feelings make me feel like this is the reason why I'm single. This is the reason why I can't seem to hold onto a relationship. I am an actual crazy person. I'm either too quiet and reserved or I say things that piss people off or rub them the wrong way. I have no in between. I'm also insanely emotional. I care so deeply and let quotes and lyrics and movies and words effect me in such a deep emotional way. Like, that can't be normal. 

If it's not obvious yet, I have a huge problem with over worrying about every.tiny.little.thing! It takes work for me to get out of my own head and just enjoy the moments life has to offer. So I decided to get out of the house [by forcing myself] and go on a hike. I was able to get out of my head a bit and be reminded that whatever happens in life, happens for a reason regardless if i know what that reason is. Because I over-analyze every minute detail, not being able to understand WHY something has or is happening, eats me alive. So while staring out at the gorgeous mountains, I decided to make a conscious daily effort to focus on enjoying the moments. Just enjoy where I am right now and let God lead me on his path and not wonder why or how and what or WHEN. 

While I definitely don't suggest going on two Bumble dates in one evening, getting drunk, bawling your eyes out, and texting your ex...I did come away from the weekend and the experience feeling a little lighter. I mean there was definitely a full 24- 36 hours where I felt ashamed, disappointed, devastated, depressed, anxious, hungover, angry [insert all other negative things one can feel about themselves because that's what I felt]. But then I forced myself to get out of the house, go on a hike, and get some Vitamin D. Like the real Vitamin D, since I'm single and basically celibate at this point. It made me feel refreshed and helped me put things in perspective. It was almost like a reset on my priorities. 

Okay, so WAY easier said than done. I do feel a little bit lighter, but I am still getting random bouts of anxiety and unfortunately, that will just take time. When I feel anxious, it's a lot of work, but I have to force myself out of that mindset before it literally controls my whole body and my whole day.  

In addition to reminding myself constantly to enjoy the moments [since that takes practice and is not all of a sudden a miracle cure], I am also able to realize that consuming excess alcohol while in emotional turmoil is probably not the best idea. So I am setting a hard limit for myself. No more drinking during the week. I am also limiting my alcohol intake to two drinks per outing on the weekend. Also, no more serious dating because it just makes me sad every time a date doesn't work out and I haven't found "the one." Lastly, I'm going to get back into therapy. Sometimes you just need to talk it out with someone who does not know you. 

I want to enjoy life. I want to stop waiting around to enjoy life until I have found my person. I want to enjoy it right now even if I'm not sure where God is taking me. I trust he knows what he's doing, so I'll just let him lead this time. 

ps. please reach out if you ever need someone to talk to. if you're going through a hard time, i don't care who you are, i always want people to feel like they can have an outlet or they have someone who will listen. 



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